Teaching Honesty to Children

 I take part in a Facebook group for people who have chosen to adopt children.  A very recent subject that has come up is the issue of honesty.  It is not an unfamiliar issue for me, as I have had many family members who have experienced challenges with being honest.  As a parent and grandparent, I understand the frustration of teaching this concept, not just once, but often many times.   

In our society, honesty is an important character trait/life skill we want our children to learn.  Honesty is tied closely with respect - respect for self as well as respect for others.  How well a child or any person, learns this skill can affect them not just in the present, but also in their future as they make friends, interact with others or find success in a chosen career. 

May I suggest a number of ways which I have found useful?  Perhaps you will find something that works for you. 

• 1. Talk about honesty. 
• Honesty can be explained as simply being truthful in telling what happened in real life.   Sometime children will lie and say "I'm just joking" believing that makes it ok.  Explain that in most instances, not telling the truth right away by calling it a joke is the same as lying.  
• Honesty involves being truthful in what we say and do.  It is more than not telling a lie.  Honesty is doing, saying, being and making good choices even when no one is looking.  It is returning money you found, even if not asked.  It is not taking something from someone else when they aren't looking.  It is returning something that was taken or borrowed because it is the right thing to do.  
• Talk about feelings.  Don't be afraid to ask some important questions. How does your child feel when others lie to him?  How do they feel when they lie to others?  How do they think others feel when they are lied to?  How does it feel when someone doesn't believe them because they lie or have lied in the past?  Are these good feeling or bad feelings.    Talk about ways that being truthful can improve those feelings in themselves or others they care about. 
• 2.  Model Honesty
• Our children are always watching and learning, even when we least expect it.  Allow them to see you being honest.  Did you return the tool you borrowed from your neighbor?  Did you tell the store clerk he forgot to ring up a grocery item?  When you told your child you would do something, did you do what you said?  Share your feelings honestly.  Don't tell them you can't afford something just to get them to stop asking.  Be honest and say, now is not the right time or a simple "no" will do.  Catch yourself when you want to tell a small white lie to avoid a long explanation or an unpleasant conversation. 
• As someone once reminded me - "Did Your Walk Your Talk?"  
• By always being honest yourself, you show your child that honesty is something you value, even when it is difficult.  Share with times you chose to be honest even when it was difficult or perhaps you didn't want to.  It is okay to let them know, honesty is not always a easy choice for anything. 
• 3. Teach Honesty through reading
• Reading children’s books is a powerful way to teach. Our brains react as if the story was happening to us, and children practice reacting to different scenarios. Reading about honesty goes a long way when teaching honesty.
• You can find a variety of children's books on honesty, by a variety of authors.   One of my favorites when my children were growing up was  "The Berenstein Bears and the Truth". (available on Amazon)
• "Honesty Takes Thought: A Princess Jelisa Story" is a book I wrote.  Marty Mole accepts a reward, but he finds it is not as good as he thought it would be.  With the help of his friends and Princess Jelisa of the Kindom of Where You Live, Marty discovers the importance and feelings of honesty.
• 4. Role-Play
• I have found role-playing as an effective way to teach children.  It takes the child (and their emotions) out of a situation so they can look at the problem from both sides.   
• Pick two stuffies for dolls to play with.  Using something inanimate allows a child to use more imagination in their play.  Make up situations where one has the opportunity to lie and ask what they think the stuffy or doll should do?  Ask how the other stuffy or doll feels or reacts? 
• Next , role-play with you and your child as the characters (or it could be a child and a brother/sister or friend) .  This is much more personal and explores more of the child's own feelings. Give them scenarios where they can choose to lie or tell the truth. Talk about their choice in each situation.  Will they likely get in trouble? What happens if they lie?  How do they feel? Try to keep the attention on how they feel if they lie, and how good it feels/is to tell the truth (even if they might get in trouble.) Offer suggestions as you feel appropriate.   
• 5. Talk about Why
• It is not uncommon for children to experiment with lying.  When it occurs, stay calm and talk about it.  Ask them why the felt they needed to lie. What might they have done instead? How did lying make them feel.?  Listen carefully in order to figure out why a child is lying.  Are they pretending? Does a lie make them feel better about themselves? Are they trying to avoid an imagined consequence? Knowing the root of a lie will help both of you deal with it more effectively. 
• Remember, never label a child as a liar.  Calling them a name can lead to your child believing that is their truth and will possibly make the problem worst.  Use a personal feeling phrase such as "When you choose not be honest with me..."
• 6. Reward Honesty
• When your child is honest, always reward that choice.  Call attention to how hard it may have been to be honest and/or the courage it took to tell the truth.  Let them know you appreciate their good choice.  Assure them when they are choosing honesty, even when it is hard, you know and are happy to trust them.  
• If a child does something wrong, but is honest about it, that can be tricky.  You need to deal with their wrong actions, but not create an atmosphere in which they decide being honest isn't worth it.  Remember to use natural and logical consequences related to the wrong, not punishment.  (Example - an admission to a person wronged by the lie or righting a wrong caused by a lie are consequences; spanking or time-outs are punishments) 
• 7   Play a Truth - Lie Game
• This simple game offers children an opportunity to practice telling the difference between a truth and lie.  Print a happy face and a sad face, each on their own piece of paper and tape them to different walls in your room. Have everyone stand in the middle. Tell them a truth (the grass is green) or lie (the grass is blue). Players run to the happy face if the statement you said is true, and the sad face if what you said is a lie. Statements can be as simple or complex as the particular child is able to relate to.